It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
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If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that