It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
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Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then