It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
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I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
This forever.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Oh we’ve met.
No, I don’t think I will.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.