Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.