It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
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[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same