Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.

Somebody tell her, I can’t.

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

an octopus is just a wet spider

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

My ideal weight is five million dollars

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.

Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders