Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

rise and shine we got egg

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.