It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
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Just parrot things
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.