It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
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Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
Trying
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well