Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

*extends arm for handshake*

Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you

Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind

Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU

Lucky old June.

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”

Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

Me: I need to pee

Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.