“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
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GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
he’s doing your taxes
Mad Max: Furry Road
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Bond. Trauma bond.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid