There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
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My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.