It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
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‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
We’ve come full circle
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.