It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
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drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
They did not miss in the small print
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
felt cute might bury dad later idk
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.