It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
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Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
Not all heroes wear capes.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Better luck next time champ
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
