Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

❤️🦆

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

[first time skydiving]

me: oh no my charcuterie board

? 💀

I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-

Me: LANGUAGE!

10: -OG!

Me: ohhh my bad, carry on

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless