“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
You Might Also Like
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Welcome
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed