It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
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“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”