Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism