It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
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Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
This raises questions
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
My kitchen overserved me.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home