It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
You Might Also Like
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
when u come home smelling like another dog
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.