Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

what do you want

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”

The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch