It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
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Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
kitchen magnet
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle