It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
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She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously