It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
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I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean