Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

😂😂

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

[Annual Review]

Boss: how do you think you performed this year?

Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.

Boss: you’re fired.

Me: This is such an accrual profession.

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs