Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.