It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
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*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.