It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
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{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Donkey Kong sommelier
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask