It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
You Might Also Like
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.