It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
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In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Beware…..
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Is this a threat?
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.