It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
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Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Room with a view.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin