It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
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I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
