It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
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A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
tfw you realize …
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
This kinda thing happens to me often
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon