The big book of baby names but for safe words
You Might Also Like
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I love the National Park Service.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
You are what you delete.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee