It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
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Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.