Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

waiter: would you like the bill?

me: no thanks

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE