It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
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My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
this is how life feels
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”