Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

How it started: How it’s going:

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

dads on road-trips be like

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.