Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

😭😭😭

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.