It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
You Might Also Like
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Stop
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.