It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
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“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
He just like my cat fr
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.