It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
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Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.