Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit

People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

Seems a bit forward

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets