It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
You Might Also Like
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi