Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

step 6: release the wall snake

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

“Wait, let me explain..”

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.