It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
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*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
new career option?
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]