It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
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Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
HERE’S MARKY
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.