It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
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ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
podcasts
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Natural selection at its finest
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”