It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
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I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Cool shirt 🙂
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME: