It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
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Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
