It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
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I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
