It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
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New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines