It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
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You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
