Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

ㅤ

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

Mornin

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night

I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please