Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

I have a place for everything. The floor.

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

sign of the times 🖊

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …

Otters drive ottermobiles.

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?