It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
inside you are two wolves
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I gave up going to work for lent.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
me and who
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
