It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
