Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.

He’s got some nerve.

What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

Crying is a sign of leakness.

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius