It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
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I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline