Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST