Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

Bruh 😂

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.