Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers

*exercises sarcastically*

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare