Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

ACED my prostate exam!

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other