Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

“Can I help you?”

“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”

“So, you’re here about the job?”

“Most indubitably.”

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do