It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
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I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
This is the coolest video you will see today.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed