It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
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going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”