It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
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My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.