Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.