It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
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The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control