Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

Pleading insanity in small claims court

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.