It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
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HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
May your day taste like creamy soup.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”