It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
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5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Happy Friday
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”