It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
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Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
And now we wait
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.