Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

I used the label maker

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.