it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
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It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
He took my last fry, your honor
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.