it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
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driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
What an awful time to have common sense.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.